Welcome to Fort Wayne!?!

Bishop Luers Fun Facts!?!

2009-06-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Bishop Luers Fun Facts:

1.Bishop Luers was the resultant love child of a devil’s three-way among General Anthony Wayne, Chief Little Turtle, and Tina Taviano (this ultimately led to her man hating, carpet munching lifestyle.).

2. The Vatican cites Saint Bishop Luers first miracle as feeding the masses with Combo Cookies, which he described as “manna from inbred heaven”.

3. Bishop Luers never actually ate a combo cookie – he was on Atkins.

4. This blog has now set a new World Record for most frequent use of the word Combo Cookie outside of the hallowed halls of the BLHS (Bishop Luers high school).

5. The bish founded the first school lunch program aimed at arrogant, self important pricks, whose parents have money to waste on subpar private education revolving around pink-bellies, football, and cocaine snorting.

6. The school day at Bishop Luers starts at 7:58 A.M. This is thought to be the exact time the first combo cookie was consumed.

7. Bishop Luers was not an actual ‘Bishop’. That was just his first name. He founded the high school bearing his name as a ponzi scheme.

8. BLHS Alumni’s shit does in fact stink, though they are not aware.

9. The student handbook at BLHS encourages date rape, homoerotic hazing, and self-importance. Dress code violations are strongly enforced.

10. Combo Cookie (just wanted to say that one last time).

Exercise?!? What?!?

2009-02-13T09:07:00.001-08:00

This is the first installment of “The Blubber Busters Guide to a Less Whale-Like Fort”.

Step 1: Diet – Stop eating Combo Cookies!!! Sauce slathered Subway with all the trimmings is not health food. Only fat people drink Diet Coke. If you are nuking a Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine frozen composite of chemical foodstuffs right now, you probably need to exercise.

Step 2: Exercise – This is a foreign concept to most Fort Wayners. And this reporter has traced the cause back to – you guessed it – high school. Specifically high school gym class at Bishop Luers. This is due to a general lack of actual physical education and a focus placed on homoerotic hazings and pink bellies. It’s no wonder Fort Wayners have an inherent fear of exerting any type of physical energy.

Here is an exercise for beginners: walking. Now I know what you are thinking: walking is just a fancy term for biped locomotion. But have no fear! Follow these simple steps:

A. Put down the Taco Bell and Busch Light.
B. Stand.
C. Place one foot in front of the other. This is called “taking a step”.
D. Step again.
E. Repeat.

Follow these simple guidelines and soon enough, you won’t need to use the cripple cart while shopping at WalMart!!!

Tourism?!? (Fort Wayne I’m Yours!?!)

2009-01-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, you want the truth: I love Fort Wayne more than Bishop Luers Alumni love combo cookies. And I want each and every one of you to become amorous with the Summit City. I want you, dear reader, to live the wet dream I have each night thinking of this lover. After all, my ex-girlfriend decided that having sex with the city was better than a lifetime of monogamous love from a man (And by man I mean me.) So today, I decided to interview the director of the Convention and Visitors Bureau. But when I arrived on Calhoun St., I was a little more than disappointed to hear that she was having an important business meeting at Arby’s. And after I fought through the crowded mid-day streets filled with business people (Police and Confinement Officers) and their customers (the incarcerated heading to trial).

Not all was lost. There were brochures! One was labeled fun facts (these are all true and can be found here- http://www.visitfortwayne.com/):

1. Johnny Appleseed died in none other than Fort Wayne. And so have 99% of all people born in Fort Wayne!

2. Fort Wayne is America’s #1 Minor League Sports City (See Mascot Mania Fort Waynia).

3. Tony Dungy mentioned Fort Wayne in a National News conference! The comment was in reference to the Bears/Colts Super Bowl game. Dungy said, “We should just go to Fort Wayne and play it off there.” Apparently the identification of sarcasm is not a proficiency test in the ISTEPS (Indiana’s standardized test for school aged Hoosiers).

I can’t help but wonder why these claims to fame were left out:

1. America’s Fourth Fattest City (Rated by the CDC. If you don’t know what the CDC is, don’t worry – go eat another bag of Doritos).

2. America’s Dumbest City (http://www.usatoday.com/life/2005-01-19-dumb-cities_x.htm . Please note that Las Vegas comes in at #4. This might have something to do with the number of strip clubs in both towns. On second thought, no. Strippers are all typically working their way through college. So, sadly, they actually raise the average IQ of the overall population.)

3. Home of Robert Borkenstein, the inventor of the breathalyzer alcohol detection device. No wonder Fort Wayne is so dedicated to drunk driving arrests. Fort Wayne law doles out more drunk driving infractions each year than Indianapolis, a city over three times its size!!!

This topic is getting old as this reporter sits, writing beneath black lights at the Shangri-La (West and original), and drinking three dollar drafts while full-bellied from a $5 steak dinner. Misty is sitting on my lap and has come up with a great idea – wait, what’s that Misty? Oh, real quick, Misty wants me to tell all of you that she went to Bishop Luers High School and the lunches really are all they are cracked up to be. Speaking of crack, she says, she hasn’t smoked in three fucking days. And, she continues, don’t let her Mom know she is working as an ‘Adult Performer’ because she will stop babysitting for Javon Jr. So any way, back to her idea – wait, she wants tequila shots (pause) and for all of you to know the back corner has no cameras. So back to what I was saying, Misty thought it would be a good idea to come up with our own list of slogans to attract tourists to Fort Wayne. Here goes:

“Fort Wayne: Where a dollar dance really costs a dollar.”

“Fort Wayne: At least you’re not in Hell.”

“Fort Wayne. Suck It.”

“No shirt. No shoes. No condoms. No Problem.”

“Luers Spirit!”

“Fort Wayne: Check out the nads on Anthony Wayne’s horse statue.”

“Parks and Prisons. Hand in Hand.”

“Home of the Potheads (See Mascots!?!). Ass, Gas, or Grass…fuck gimme a beer and you can ride for free.”

“Home of the Poop Face Killa!”

“Sad? Depressed? Lost all hope? Don’t kill yourself! Commiserate in Fort Wayne.”

“Fort Wayne: Why live somewhere else when you can die here?”

“COMBO COOKIES!!!!!!!!! YUMMY GOOD SUPER FUN TIME!!!!!! Even better than, (singing) Peanut butter jelly Time, it’s peanut butter jelly time.”

“Fort Wayne: At least we’re not Abu Ghraib.”

“Fort Wayne: Wear sweat pants to the strip bars. You won’t be disappointed.”

“I’ll stick my titties in your face for a dollar.” Oops. My mistake. That was Misty talking to me. Gotta go. I have eight crisp singles and a good old fashion case of the clap to get to.
Peace out.

Rock over London.
Rock on Fort Wayne.
Strip Clubs. Like a high school reunions, only nakeder.

Mascot Mania Fort Waynia !!!

2009-01-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

Mascot Mania Fort Waynia !!!

Fort Wayne is America’s #1 Minor League Sports City. This is undoubtedly because Fort Wayners know their marketing. Mascots are king.

The Komet hockey team’s mascot is , you guessed it, an Eagle.

The Fort Wizards baseball team mascot is a dragon (And you it would be some sort of sorcerer. Typical.). Recognizing the erroneous team name, the new baseball team (whose stadium is the former site of low income housing) is the Tin Caps. This is some sort of angry apple with a cooking pot on its – well head I guess (Do apple’s have heads?!? It’s news to me!). The Tin Caps are now lovingly referred to as the ‘Pot Heads’ by locals.

Had enough? There’s more!

The now defunct CBA basketball team of the ’90 was named the Fort Wayne Fury. Their mascot was some sort of semi-saber toothed big cat. But the basketball team failed to draw a crowd. Here again, naming was a issue. How can an emotion like ‘Fury’ represent the lethargy of such a docile people?!? And Master P was even on the team! But have no fear hoops fans, the latest incarnation of somewhat professional basketball (More like an intramural team for readers with fancy college degrees.) are called the MAD ANTS. Yes, ants, small spineless creatures that never stray far from each other and know not how to function independent of their small colony.

(Please note that I intentionally left out the Fort Wayne Freedom glorified flag football team. This is because three of their thugs once beat up some of my friends in a hotel lobby after being kicked off of the Pierre’s Van (The MidWest’s #1 part hotspot.) The high school football heroes then stole thirteen dollars from the injured parties’ wallets and ran off like bitches.)

(Another note: I also left out the Derby Girls. They are a monster of their own. And I would never want to agitate such a tattooed and portly group of agile roller skaters. They are not to be fucked with!!!)

Moped Mania Fort Waynia!!!

2009-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

Fort Wayne has more mopeds per capita (That means a “shit ton” of mopeds to all Fort Wayne readers) than any city, state, principality, or nation in the world. It is a known fact that Fort Waynians are afraid of travel on foot. It burns off too much of that fast-food blubber that so many find sexy. Fort Wayners may be onto something—after all, fat is the new skinny. But I digress, Fort Wayne has a shit ton of mopeds! Why might you ask? Because 378% of the city’s population has DUI’s, Murray!

Yes, Fort Waynians love drinking and driving. And when one gets “jacked by the police” and loses their license, it’s mopeds to the rescue!

Now you must understand that Fort Waynians are a resourceful and resilient people. They know how to make the most of a moped. Need air conditioning in the summer? Take off your wife beater and cut the legs off your jeans. Need heat in the winter? Smoke more cigarettes!

And moped accessories are a must. These include, but are not limited to: Milk crates on the back, your bitch (or shirtless friend) on the back, duct tape, and even a small trailer in tow.

This is becoming boring to write and read, so I will now name my favorite sites in Fort Wayne: The Summit Bank Building (The tallest building in the city at 25 stories!), Headwaters Park - which is conveniently located on the same grounds as the county jail, Showgirls 1, Showgirls 2, Showgirls 3, Shangri-La, Shangri-La East, Brandy’s Gentleman’s Club, Centerfold (located next to Targetmaster gun range), the IPFW pointy thing, the Lincoln Museum (oh wait, that closed), Applebee’s, TGI Friday’s, Wal-Mart, the Three Rivers (Caution: Don’t touch the water. You will die. This is not a joke. And not a test.), the Barack Obama billboard facing the wrong way on a one-way street (on Wayne St. next to the library), Arby’s, Taco Bell, The Dinner Theatre, Zesto (wear your bullet-proof vest while enjoying an ice cream cone. Fun!), The Derby Girls, the booming General Electric Building, the crowded downtown streets full of…wait (I pause to look around) never mind. I forgot where I was for a moment.

The moral of the story: To fit in with Fort Waynians, one must get multiple DUI’s and buy a moped. All the cool kids do it.

I love you Fort Wayne. I want to make sweet love to you. I want to bare back you and make baby Fort Waynes. I want to lay in bed with you and let you be the big spoon. That’s how much I love you.

Gotta go. I found a tire for my moped in the Peddler’s Post (Bonus: the same person is selling a toupee for $3. Three FUCKING dollars!).

Fort Waynians in the National News!?!

2009-01-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when Fort Waynians step outside of the confines of the Summit City:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28608574/

Typical. Please note that both men in this story are celebrated Bishop Luers Graduates, born and raised on Combo Cookies.

Fat is the New Skinny! Fort Fat Fun Fatty Fun Time!

2009-01-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

No one embraces obesity like Fort Wayners. No one.

Yes, Fort Wayne has been dubbed the dumbest city in the nation (Men’s Health, http://www.usatoday.com/life/2005-01-19-dumb-cities_x.htm), but this is only surpassed by the city’s, for lack of a real word, “whale-like state”. Fort Wayne is a testament to the fact that krill alone does not create massive mammals, no my friends, it is the toxic combination of drive-thrus, lethargy, combo cookies, Coney Island, Powers Hamburgers, laziness, inbreeding, NASCAR, Busch Light, Busch Heavy, hatred of the outdoors, fear of walking places (or exerting physical effort in general), Bishop Luers High School, bad potty training, smoking unfiltered cigarettes, unprotected sex, thinking Subway is health food, lack of ambition, riding mopeds, the Double Beefy Cheese Burrito at Taco Bell, the 99 cent menu at Wendy’s, the acceptance of slob-like appearances, and the ridicule of skinny people.

On a positive note, anorexia and bulimia have never, and will never exist in Fort Wayne. The only vomiting that occurs in this city is due to alcohol poisoning and E. Coli contracted at McDonalds! But this type of vomiting is not only accepted, it is embraced! Puke and rally. More room for draft beer and patties of fake beef!

This reporter discussed the nation’s obesity crisis with a Fort Wayner yesterday at a Rally’s Drive Thru. The conversation is as follows:

Fort Wayner: (Into the menu-mic) I’ll have a triple Rally’s Burger Combo with extra bacon and cheese and two Big Buford’s. Might as well Giant Size that. But make sure the 64 oz. soda is Diet Coke. (To the reporter) I’m watching my figure.

Reporter: So would you say this is a typical meal for you?

Fort Wayner: Meal? No, this is just an after work snack. I’ll probably go to Applebee’s for dinner in about an hour.

Reporter: I must say that is quite a high calorie and fat intake, especially considering your sessile lifestyle.

Fort Wayner: I understood three words in that sentence.

Reporter: Sorry, let me rephrase that, aren’t you worried about your health? That food is bad for you and you don’t work out.

Fort Wayner: (Shoveling fries into his mouth) That whole healthy thing is just a fad like diabetes and AIDS. Everyone is just trying to make money off dumb people by telling them they are fat. I barely weigh 300 pounds and I feel fine.

Reporter: Fair enough. When did you develop these eating habits? Perhaps in school?

Fort Wayner: Ah, my high school had the best lunches. I still get high with the lunch ladies. Get out of my car. I’m driving to Luers right now to see if I can score some combo cookies. Get Oooouuut! Nowww!

This reporter stood on the curb contemplating what had just occurred. I stared out over the neon city skyline dominated by highway-sized fast food signs. I’ve seen the New York skyline. I’ve watched the sun set and rise again over the mountains behind the Las Vegas strip. Shit, I’ve even been to Texas. And never have I witnessed such a strikingly beautiful scene as dusk approached and headlights glistened beneath Arby’s signs like the globs of saturated fat blocking the arteries of a people with such a passion for fine food and life. Fort Wayne, if these words you are reading were noises, you would be deafened by applause. God Bless Fort Wayne! Bring me your dormant, your perpetually hungry, your grossly obese, and I will show you paradise. That line should be in the Bible of the City of Churches.

Amen. And may BK endure forever.

(PS - A new church should sprout up that serves Whoppers instead of communion wafers and Diet Coke instead of wine. I envision a resurrected Dave Thomas behind the pulpit. And all pastors dressed as Hamburglar. Instead of nuns, a choir of purple clad Grimaces. Who needs Ted Haggard when Ronald McDonald is on your side? Attendance at this center for worship would put Evangelical Mega Churches to more shame than they already would feel if the members of the movement had souls.)

Random Fort Fun Fact: Birth Control? What!?!

2009-01-06T21:03:00.001-08:00

Most Fort Waynians are not aware that condoms and birth control pills are readily available at many local retailers throughout the City of Churches. Such outlets include CVS, Walgreens, and even WalMart!

Another Fun Fact:

In a recent survey of the greater Fort Wayne area, it was found that the only form of contraception used by the sexually active populace is the “Pull and Pray” method.

Dressing The Same Way You Did in High School!

2009-01-06T20:40:00.001-08:00

There are many staples in the wardrobe of a Fort Waynian, among the most popular are NASCAR Jackets, Hot 107.9 t-shirts, and shirts that allow one's flab to hang out. But the biggest fashion statement one can make in the Summit City is to dress the same way you did the year you graduated high school. Now this can be tricky depending on your age, so beware. Here are a few pointers that will help you determine how to dress when invited to a Fort Wayne event:

If you graduated in the Mid ‘90’s – Women should wear pants with high waist lines and frosted hair. For men, pleated pants and turtlenecks are a must. Additionally, men should sport some sort of over-gelled, half-spiked hair style.

If you graduated in the Late ‘90’s to 2000 – Women should wear maternity clothing and smoke Parliaments. Yes, every woman in this category is on their second to fifth child. Not pregnant? No sweat. Feel free to break out the maternity clothes anyway. Most Fort Waynians are ‘pleasantly plump’ (See "Exercise? Whaaattt!?!).

Men in this age group should don visors or hat’s with semi-vulgar team names like ‘Cocks’ or ‘Humpers’. It is also essential that a Fort Man have an arsenal of Cargo Pants and Carpenter Pants. Hair should be stiff and rigid and formed into a perfect Pineapple. Goatees are also tres fashionable.

Graduated 2000+: Fort Wayne still openly supports the wearing of Tucker Hats. This is a fashion statement acceptable for men and women alike! And so are popped collars! What fun! For a dashing man, a faux-hawk is a must. Women in the know have nose rings.

Follow this simple guide and you will be the toast of the town! You will soon knuckle-bump and high-five your way into the most exclusive cliques the Fort has to offer.

Going To Bars on Your Wedding Day!

2009-01-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

There are certain milestones that mark great achievement in one’s life. Think of your first kiss, the birth your first child, high school graduation (Please note the chronology and the fact that graduation makes Fort Waynians sad as it marks the end of awesomeness), dropping out of college, and one’s first of many weddings. But if you want to be a true Fort Waynian, you must add another to the list: Going to a bar after your wedding.

At any bar in Fort Wayne, on any given weekend, one will be bombarded tuxes, bridesmaid’s dresses, and even wedding gowns! This reporter interviewed one such couple last weekend. The transcription of the conversation follows:

Reporter: “Congratulations on the Holy Matrimony.”

Groom: “Yeah, it was fuckin’ epic man.”

Bride: “Woohooo! I need a cigarette.”

Reporter: “I don’t mean to pry in your personal affairs, but shouldn’t you two be making sweet love right now?”

Groom: “Shoooot. I already done banged that shit. I’m getting blackout drunk wit my boys.”

(Groom throws what this reporter can only speculate is some sort of gang sign. The bride dry heaves.)

Reporter: “Fair enough. Why did you decide to go to a bar on your wedding night?”

Groom: “When else do I get this dressed up with my crew and look this good?”

Bride: (Screaming) “I’m frickin’ beautiful.”

(Bride vomits.)

Groom: “Shit baby. What the hell? You got puke on my shoe. I need a shot.”

(Bride is whisked away by a mob of bridesmaids dresses. Groom does Jagerbombs “wit his boys”.)

Bride: “I want some taco bell. I want a combo cookie. I miss high school lunches.”

This reporter had to admit, they were a stunning couple. And what a great tradition! This reporter has never seen such a display of class and love. Rock on Fort Wayne! Way to showcase the only day in your life you are required to dress presentably.

Happy New Year!?!

2008-12-31T22:04:00.000-08:00

New Year’s Eve is Fort Wayne’s second greatest holiday of all time. Second only to the night before Thanksgiving. I attempted to get a quote on this from a local Fort Wayne resident as she was stumbling toward the door, off to eat taco bell and have a stranger sire her child. But I heard her exclaim, while drug out of site, “High School is awesome. And so am I tonight. I want a fucking quesadilla.”

Yes, this reporter followed the Fort-mania to an after party in the West Central neighborhood. There, a man dressed like Jesus asked others for money and a tried to exchange a painting constructed of old t-shirts glued to a canvas for loose joints. When I asked this man for his thoughts on the local art scene, this was said, “Hey man. Fort Wayne has all the makings of the next Renaissance. I mean (puffs from a rolled cigarette) I should know, I went to Saint Francis College for art. I mean, I dropped out, but it was bullshit man. They wanted me to study. Fuck that. I mean, look at these shirts I glued to a canvas. This is more than Bush did in 8 years.”

Well, it was hard for this journalist to argue. Not due to the solid logic, no my friends, the artist ran off to bum a smoke from a vagrant before further inquiry could ensue.

It’s nearly 2 in the morning and fireworks and gunshots fill the sky. The drive through line at Taco Bell has wrapped all the way to the library, making tonight the most people downtown Fort Wayne has seen since Headwaters Park was built next to the County Jail. And speaking of which, a line of police cars has formed parallel to the drive thru. Tax dollars at work. Another year in Fort Wayne – 2009 will be awesome dude, even better than when Bob Minich stuck his balls on Jim Buuck’s chin sophomore year. Classic.

Rock over London. Rock on Fort Wayne. Fort Waynia, the word is getting around.

Random Fort Fun Fact

2008-12-30T10:23:00.000-08:00

The ratio of strip clubs to churches to fast food restaurants in Fort Wayne is 1:1:Hot107.9
(Fort Wayne readers can learn a lesson about ratio’s here www.thirdgrademath.com)

High School! Awesome Dude!

2008-12-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

The pinnacle (that’s a fancy dictionary word for “highest point”) of any Fort Wayner’s life is undoubtedly high school. While visiting Fort Wayne, it is of utmost importance to keep this in mind. If a Fort Wayne Resident asks you what school you went to, they mean high school. Naming a college (especially an out of state college) will only be followed by blank stares.

In order to truly impress a Fort Wayne resident, tell them you went to Bishop Luers. You will immediately be greeted with knuckle bumps and high fives! The Luers Alum will then say, “Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t you give me a pink belly freshman year when I was on the best football team in the world.” Or “Combo Cookies are awesome. We had the best school lunches.” Be prepared to continue to listen to the Fort Wanyner drone on about themselves and give you a complete update on the class of 2000. And if you really want to impress them, throw in the fact that you went to St. John’s elementary school. You will instantly become a cool kid and a staple in the Fort Wayne social scene!

The Life Cycle of a Fort Waynian

2008-12-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

The pinnacle of any Fort Wayne resident’s life is high school (See High School! Awesome Dude!) so we will start the life cycle there. Quite honestly, high school is more important than being born.

Go to high school.

Pull a bitchin’ senior prank that becomes a thing of legend.

Enter a college.

Drop out after two half-semesters.

Return to Fort Wayne.

Get pregnant at the age of 20.

Get married at 21.

Get divorced at 21.

Buy a Nascar Jacket.

Talk about leaving town.

Live life in an alcoholic haze.

Get married again by age 24.

Get your first DUI.

Get another DUI.

Become a Police Officer or work in a factory.

Talk about high school. Be awesome Dude!

Fort Fun!

2008-12-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

Fort Wayne is commonly known as the Summit City. This due to the fact that it lies in the basin where three majestic rivers come together, forming the lowest elevation in Northeast Indiana. Fort Wanynians are great at naming things! (See Mascots!)

Other common names are: The City of Churches, Strip Club Central, and Bishop Luersville.

Shelley Long, Mike Judd, and a long list of Evans Scholars originated in this wonderful town. But the city’s real claim to fame is that Harrison Ford once spent the night in the city when his flight was delayed! This caused so much excitement that a local bar named a Martini after him.

Sunbeam bread, yeah, that’s made in the Fort. So are GMC trucks. And babies! (See Birth Control! What?! and The Life Cycle of a Fort Waynian)

But wait…there is more. Fort Wayne, as a city of 275,000, boasts a completely abandoned downtown area in the midst of revitalization. They have paved the wave for other such cities with a gentrification project (sorry for using one of those “dictionary” words Fort Wayne readers (Oh, and a dictionary is what you commonly refer to as “the big ass book with word meanings in it)) so wonderful it will make you cry. Bye Bye low income families. Hello vacant baseball stadium.

Come see this beautiful town for yourself. The bustling metropolis will leave you dumbfounded and wishing to be a part of the Fort Waynia (that’s Mania in Fort Wayne, aka Fort Fun).